Beagle, Interrupted

Freshly laundered beagle-ish

Freshly laundered beagle-ish

We have all been very busy of late, staring at Karmann and obsessing over her rapidly fluctuating bowel health. And apparently the stress of it all has been getting to Calvin, because I have written and re-written this post at least a half dozen times since late February, when Karmann initially blew up like a large-ish floofy balloon. Sometimes it’s written as “Oh my dog, y’all Cal has been MAGICALLY AWESOME!!!” And other times it’s been, “Cal has made another ridiculous suicide attempt!”

And finally, it dawned on me.

I’ve mentioned before that Cal is the super skinny friend who whines endlessly that they just cannot. put. on. weight. while stuffing their face with chili cheese fries and creme-filled donuts. But really, it’s a fine line between that friend, and the stereotypical lithe, chain-smoking adolescent female psychiatric patient that I don’t think exists outside of mediocre fiction, Hollywood, and . . . CALVIN.

Attractive? Check.
Anti-depressants? Check.
Relatable–and ultimately justified–“bad” attitude? Check.
Situational anxiety meds? Check.
Skinny? Check.
Occasional outbursts of impotent frustration? Check.
Endearing character flaws? Check.
Existence seems mostly average and mundane for a perpetually-incarcerated being, punctuated only at entertaining intervals with mildly aberrant behavior which, in the real world, probably wouldn’t get anyone locked up in a shabbily chic mental facility for extended periods of their turbulent youth? Check, check, checkcheckcheck.

All that’s missing is his pack of Marlboro Reds and a beautiful–if misunderstood–“friend” of the opposite sex to supply them. Karmann herself is a non-smoker.

So my written-and-deleted posts, in a round-up:

1. YAY!!! Calvin saw a dog at the park and was easily redirected.

2. YAY!!! Calvin seems to have learned how to deal with the snow–bravely soldiering on as a tripod, without fuss or freakout, when snow balls up in his toes!

3. BOO!!! Cal peed all over the house when he realized I was getting ready to leave for the morning.

4. YAY!!! The weather is lovely and Cal had a very non-reactive walk, despite seeing people! Happy beagle in the near-Spring!

5. BOO!!! It snowed again and Cal has apparently forgotten how to deal with snow because it’s right back to being the worst substance ever invented and to compensate he must BARK AT ALL THE THINGS.

6. YAY!!! No more scaredy-pooping in the crate! It has been three weeks without an accident!

7. BOO!!! Reset the counter on the scaredy-crate-pooping.

8. BOO!!! Calvin has attempted suicide again, first by trying to eat a wrapped fortune cookie and, when thwarted, pursuing the consumption of a large ball of foil.

9. YAY!!! He puked up the foil shards pretty much immediately! My beagle shall not die today!!

10. YAY!!! Cal has survived not only a manicure, but also 1/2 day of Karmann-less doggie daycare where, if the attendant is to be believed, he MAY HAVE EVEN ENJOYED HIMSELF!!!

11. YAY!!! Doggie daycare has totally fixed the Beaglemonster! He can gaze benignly on other canines from the confines of the car!!

12. YAY!!! Cal has been on a walk and admirably dealt with children playing basketball, passing pups on leashes, and a roving hoarde of hyperactive children on bicycles!! HE IS HEALED.

13. BOO!!! Cal dream-peed on the bed, which scared him into bolting from the pee-covered cushion–WHILE PEEING–and running across the room where he paused to collect himself. Living room appears to have been soaked by small, pee-filled fire hose. Beagle fearful and licking his elbow to self-soothe.

By my count, that is 8 YAY!!!s to 5 BOO!!!s and that, my non-specific internet friends, is resounding success. Pee-soaked living room be damned.

You has brought smokes for me?

You has brought smokes for me?