Rating the Beagle-ish

From this Healthy Pets article, 10 Beagle Fun Facts (as they pertain to Calvin the beagle-ish):

1. They’re thousands of years old

They mean the breed, of course, which is interesting from the perspective that humans, in thousands of years, have not been driven absolutely batshit insane by their vocal proclivities and neuroses. Cal would have us all believe that he is a mere 5 years old, but I will also accept the possibility that he is timeless and will somehow be involved in calling forth the apocalypse.

2. The first beagles were miniature

At 21″ tall, Cal is–by beagle standards–immense. By Cal’s sleeping preferences and apparent level of self esteem, Cal is also a pocket beagle. Teeny tiny.

3. Beagles have white-tipped tails

Check!

4. Beagle means “loudmouth” in French

Check check CHECK CHECK CHECK OHMYDOG CHECK.

5. They’re very popular in the US

Cal thinks this is terrible and cheap and he’d like to see this change. He is a very lovable fellow, but only after a protracted getting-to-know-you period in which, preferably, no eye contact is made. He once maintained absolute stoic silence and noble comportment as a very charming 7 year old girl pet him and attempted to wheedle her mother into adopting him. The mother was not taken with Cal’s chilly exterior and they were thus proven unworthy. This, he feels, is the direction in which beagles, as a breed, should be heading.

6. Snoopy is a beagle

Cal does not think it would be very fun to strap on goggles and fly an airplane. In fact, he thinks that sounds dreadful.

7. Queen Elizabeth I loved beagles

Cal is deeply suspicious of the monarchy, stopping just short of describing himself as an anti-monarchist. While he does appreciate its historical and romantic aspects, he fears it might be a bit superfluous and overly ostentatious in this day and age. That does not mean that he won’t accept a Prince Charles and Princess Di commemorative plate as a 6th birthday gift. He’s not some troglodyte, after all. And he’s sure the Queen took wonderful care of her tiny beagles.

8. Beagles in the White House (LBJ had 2–Him and Her)

Cal is appalled by LBJ’s lack of creativity in naming. He’s also appalled by the lack of beagles in the White House currently, as such residence would be a disposition befitting the breed as he conceives it. Thanks, Obama!

9. Barry Manilow loves beagles

Calvin likes Copa Cabana. Win-win.

10. The US Department of Homeland Security has a Beagle Brigade to find smuggled contraband agricultural products

Cal believes he should have a Homeland Security Brigade to keep people, unknown dogs, and the occasional wind-blown leaf away from him.

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