Karmann recreates the floating door scene from Titanic

Calvin has been living better through chemistry since his vet added as-needed Trazodone to his regimen of daily Prozac to help his separation anxiety. But while it seems to make his time alone far more sufferable, he still gets nervous when he knows he’s about to be left alone. And so it came to pass last month, as I prepared to leave on errands, that he scaredy-peed all over the grossest of the living room bolster beds. The bed that had been with Karmann almost as long as Karmann has been with me, and which had been washed so many times in its first four years of life that the cover had become mangled and shrunken to such an extent that it had been un-removable (and therefore un-washable) for the last three years of its service.

Truly icky. It was summarily tossed, and not without a bit of rejoicing.

Since The Peeing we have been dutifully carrying one of the bedroom beds downstairs every morning and back up every evening whilst I sought an ideal, long term living room bed solution. My criteria: 1) attractive, 2) easily de-furred between washings, 3) entirely washable cover and pillow, 4) bolster-free (see also, criteria #2), and of course 5) cozy for pups.

When, last week, we forgot to bring down a bedroom bed and entered the living room to find Cal snuggled into the remaining living room bed, with Karmann on the floor, plastered against it, we knew we had to act. And I was developing neck strain from carrying a giant pillow up and down the stairs while also herding dogs and cats.

I checked Orvis and found a very excellent bed that met all of my criteria PLUS my favorite, nondelineated 6th criteria: SALE! We ordered two.

And so we have come to the point of this meandering post. Orvis. I direct your attention to the picture above. In that picture you will find my 53lb dog DESPERATELY CLINGING to your large (accommodates dogs up to 70lbs!) bed, turning herself into Superpuppeh in an attempt to stop her ass end from sliding off the back of what is–let’s be honest–a very nice, high quality, king size human bed pillow.

That cotton square accommodates dogs up to 70lbs??? What? Did you only test it out with morbidly obese English Bulldogs? Or perhaps morbidly obese Lawng Legged Baygles? Because Calvin, the 32lb wonder fits into it perfectly–and really, it’s about 32lbs of Karmann that fit comfortably. The rest hangs over, dangles off, and otherwise clings in quiet desperation. I mean, look at my poor girl’s face! Resigned, confused, trying really really hard to like it but falling short and, pretty clearly, feeling very bad about her failure to be excited about the newest bed hotness, all while Calvin (out of frame and looking somewhat aghast)–substantially less than 70lbs-worth of Calvin–is curled up comfortably, with the excess bedding smooshed out to the sides so that he can rest his little chin.

Calvin: Relaxed. Supported. Happy of chin.
Karmann: *I won’t let go, Jack! I won’t let go!!!*

Orvis made my puppy sad. 😦

It also made my Schmoopie somewhat nuts. Because there ensued a surreal 10 minutes or so of back-and-forth in which I pointed and laughed while he kept exclaiming, “It fits up to 70lb dogs!”

ME: That is pathetic.
SCHMOOP: It fits up to 70lb dogs!
ME: She is falling off.
SCHMOOP: It fits up to 70lb dogs!
ME: She’s literally–like, in the real, dictionary definition of literal, literally, and not in the ironic amplification sense–hanging on for dear life.
SCHMOOP: It fits up to 70lb dogs!
ME: It’s the size of a pillow. She is longer than the bed.
(Karmann readjusts so that she is lying diagonally across the bed, clinging to a corner)
SCHMOOP: That is the picture of comfort!
ME: That is the picture of sadness and disappointment.
SCHMOOP: Well . . . it’s supposed to fit up to 70lb dogs . . .

I may have taken some creative license there, but you get the point.

So the beds are boxed for return because looking at the sight on the daily will hurtle me into a deep depression faster than my incurable unemployability. And yes that’s beds, plural, because about the only thing Karmann shares readily is her bedding, and the pups have worked out some sort of amenable, complicated exchange system, such that returning just one bed for a larger size would ensure that Karmann was still forced into undersized bedding about 50% of the time when Cal takes over her plus-sized pillow.

I just assume that the giant, more expensive beds will no longer be on sale. Dammit.


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